10 Misunderstandings Alan Wake Has About Americans
By:
Schuyler Lystad
|
June 10, 2010, 2:09 pm

Dear Remedy, 

My name is Schuyler and I live in California. I recently sent a letter to Sony Europe to inform them of some 'Americanisms' notably absent from their game, Heavy Rain. Some of your continental associates became unreasonably excited about it, so I thought I would try my luck with your company also. I have recently completed your game Alan Wake and have noticed a few points missing from your game which would complete the American experience. For your convenience, I have compiled and attached a list of ten.

1. Our batteries last longer than 6 seconds, even our Energizers.

2. Mr. Wake spends roughly two weeks on the Olympic Peninsula without rain. I assure you this is an impossiblity. For further reading, please see Stephanie Meyer (Just kidding, we hate her too).

3. We tend to coordinate our mouths with everything that comes out of them. I am told other nations do this, though I have never been to Finland.
 
4. Though Western Washingtonians and especially Seattlies love coffee, we rarely leave 100 thermoses of it in the wilderness. When we do, we don't usually drink it afterwards.
5. It's difficult to believe everyone knows a writer when they see one, as we don't read. Please see our newspaper industry, especially the Seattle PI.
 
6. New Yorkers are able to successfully tell good jokes. For further information, please see this man in New York who puts on a comedy show daily (a 'daily show' if you will) that is often a success.

7. Our FBI agents are like police, but higher up. This means they have to follow strict rules and rarely use their guns or drink on the job, or operate alone. Also, they tend to look like this:

8. While Washington drivers aren't the worst in the country, we don't crash our cars and block the roads when there is a looming threat we don't know about (unless you live near the retirement home in Issaquah).

9. Tornadoes are reserved for the parts of the country we don't really care about. Please type "Dust Bowl" into wikipedia.org for more information.

10. While we all have fat friends, we don't pay them to hang around and annoy us.

I hope this list helps you understand the nuances of our American culture and way of life, and if you would like help with some of these further 'Americanisms', I would be more than happy to assist you, and would consider as compensation a moment of your valuable time spent crossing your western border and telling as many Swedish girls as you can find about how wonderful I am.

Yours truly,
Schuyler Lystad (Please don't let the name fool you, I was born in Texas)
GameXplain.com
 
P.S. You did do a great deal of research about the Pacific Northwest region that was evident, so stay tuned tomorrow for a supplementary article "10 Things Remedy Knows About Washington State That You Don't."
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